


One of Us

by Dandelly



Series: Prompts [1]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, F/F, Femslash February, Happy Ending, Misunderstandings, Pretending to Be Gay, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22695094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandelly/pseuds/Dandelly
Summary: With the newly existing "Peace-Celebration" between the Federation, Bajor, and Cardassia around the corner, Kira has to attend a station party she'd rather skip out on. Especially since she's certain that Dukat will make an appearance too.Now, that Sisko forces all of them to go to the party, she is struggling to find a way out of her predicament when Jadzia proposes a supposedly easy way to at least make the evening bearable.The Trill can't know, that she is the last person Kira wants to have around all evening since the Major still is in fierce denial over her crush for the other woman.For FemslashFebruary Prompt: Pretending to be Gay with Kira/Jadzia
Relationships: Jadzia Dax/Kira Nerys
Series: Prompts [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1632457
Comments: 19
Kudos: 30
Collections: Femslash Friday, FemslashFriday, Starfleet Gang





	1. Feeling stupid, feeling small

**Author's Note:**

> In which Kira first realizes that the budding feelings for her colleague might pose more of a problem than she thought.

“and that is why my senior staff would be thrilled to attend this Thursdays Peace-Celebration.”  
With these final words, Sisko flashes the video-projected Kai Winn a friendly smile that immediately crumbles in on itself when the call stops.  
He doesn’t need to repeat himself, everybody is there to hear the finality of his words.  
No chickening out. If he has to be at the damn party, so do they.  
And even though she knows that there is no chance of wiggling herself out of this, she has to make sure the Captain is adequately informed of her distaste for this glorified Dinner party.  
She takes a deep breath, making sure her voice has the right oomph.

“I cannot believe that the Kai insists on all of us attending this idiotic, meaningless Peace-Party. The station is in a crucial period of change and leaving it, even for one evening, could reset us for days, weeks even!”  
As on queue and not planned at all previously, Odo chimes in: “As Chief of Security I have to be adamant about at least two of the senior staff remaining at their posts in order to secure the general safety of Deep Space Nine. A peaceful Celebration could act as the perfect ploy to infiltrate the station.  
We would be unwise to be this naive.”  
He finishes his speech with a meaningful grunt and nods, very proud to have remembered all the words.

Jadzia and Julian seem to sense their moment to speak up, yet as they prepare to join the others in lamenting, Sisko finally puts a stop to this unruly behavior.  
“Enough. I will not have any discussion on this matter. We worked hard for this moment of peace and I won't have it disturbed just because my Officers don’t _feel_ like attending a little dinner event. If I didn’t know better, this attitude would have me assume that I have a staff of hormonal adults at my hands and not a trained group of professionals.  
So get your priorities straight and don’t make me repeat what I just said.”  
There is a small silence and a voice inside Kira’s head tells her to not fill it with backtalk, but when has she ever listened to that.  
So she opens her mouth yet again but gets mercifully interrupted by Jadzia piping up.  
“Very well, Ben. But I sure hope you have something edible prepared. Such a huge chance to show off your skills shouldn’t be missed like that.”  
As the smile on Sisko’s face spreads, Jadzia demonstrates once more her knack for defusing tense situations and Kira can’t ignore the fact that she finds it very charming.  
But the good feeling quickly fades away when she sees Jadzia linking her arms with Sisko and walking out of her view. Some idiotic part of her wishes she could be the one close to Jadzia, talking, making her laugh and enjoy her undivided attention.  
Angrily she swishes the thoughts away and tries to think about the problem at hand. Something, anything to make her feel mad instead of confused and lonely.  
With as much coldness as she can muster right now, she bites at an unnerving Julian, who, in his defense, only wanted to show his support for this shitty situation, but yet again chose the wrong moment.  
The small voice whispers again and this time Kira is having a hard time ignoring the fact that Julian isn’t the one to blame here. So she makes a mental note of soothing this over once she isn’t in such a piss poor mood anymore.

Instead of going to her quarters to calm down and rethink, she heads over to Odo’s office, wanting more work to keep her company and her head occupied.  
Sometimes Kira wishes that she could leave these habits behind. That she could just talk about her problems.  
But the one person she miraculously feels safe around the most probably doesn’t even think of her as a real friend. Maybe an acquaintance or a colleague to spend some time, but not ever as a friend.  
Also, she is quite literally the problem in this scenario.  
For the pain of her feelings to go away, she has to distract herself and nothing helps better than assisting Odo in ruining other people’s days.  
  
“We should go over the cargo lists again, just to make sure everything is in its place.”  
Kira just nods and continues sipping on her Raktajino.  
They went over this already. Twice.  
But she feels content doing this and Odo feels happy spending time with her. That’s how it has always been.  
Odo knows that something is plaguing her, but she doesn’t want to put him on the spot like this, having to take her burden of emotion, while he can’t even comprehend what’s happening to himself.  
On a normal day, Kira would have made a snarky comment by now, getting a chuckle or a surprised huff out of her best friend.  
Today, however, she feels like the jokes won’t come and as much as she cares for the shapeshifter, one could not call him a comedian.  
And in the silence, Odo sadly admits that he doesn’t know how to ask Kira about the horse in the room.  
So they both continue solemnly, hurting over unspoken words.  
  
It’s 7 am and Odo can’t take it anymore. His patience has run dry and he can’t handle the uncomfortable silence much longer. He is also pretty sure that the Major has gotten significantly paler over the last few hours. That’s why, after they return to this office for the hopefully final check-up, he stealthily sends a report, asking for scientific advice on one of their “finds” through the station.  
When Jadzia enters the office, happily excited about something to analyze, she is greeted by a moody Kira and an untypically nervous Odo.  
“Uhm, hello Jadzia. I … I didn’t expect you here?” The one place, where I was sure I wouldn’t need to see you again for at least a day, Kira finishes in her head.  
“Good evening, Kira! Constable! I was called here for a probe to examine?”  
Now they both look at Odo.  
“Hm, there was no incidence of any probe around our station tour. Are you sure, the message came from here?”  
He is already starting to check on his sent messages and of course, he finds the report immediately.  
“Hm, I am very sorry Lieutenant, but it seems I have sent one of my pre-filled reports. You see, I have them prepared in case there is ever an emergency.”  
They both stare at him still. Such a blunt mistake seems not quite like his character.  
To his luck, Kira seems far too exhausted to mind and Jadzia simply smiles sympathetically at him.  
“Maybe it’s a sign to finish the reports for today. I should head to my bucket early, maybe get some extra hours of liquification in.  
Major, you should try to eat something, before you head home.”

  
It’s a soft goodnight, but a goodnight nonetheless and Kira has no other choice but to leave Odo’s office with a concerned Jadzia.  
The Bajoran does not see the knowing gaze Jadzia flashes Odo and the small, inconspicuous nod he gives back.  
“You haven’t eaten yet, Kira?”  
At first, she wants to snap back at the obvious question, but then Jadzia softly lays her hand on the smaller women’s shoulder and all the anger seems to dissipate.  
She can’t suppress a small sigh escaping her lips, that Jadzia, fortunately, interprets as Kira just being tired.  
So she squeezes supportively and … links her arm around Kira’s own.  
It has to be the fatigue, surely, because then and there Kira feels as if she could float.  
The warmth of Jadzia’s body pressing gently against her own, the smell of her skin and hair surrounding them, the sound of her voice, light and soothing.

  
She is pulled out of that dream far too soon when they enter Quark’s bar and loud sounds keep hitting her. It is disorienting, too much for her raw nerves right now and she clasps on to Jadzia.  
Dax notices her tensing up, because she carefully guides them to the back of the establishment, into a dim, almost quiet corner.  
She still doesn’t let go of Kira, even when they are both seated.  
In the haze, Kira makes out a concerned undertone in her colleague's voice and forces herself to concentrate.  
“drank anything at all?”  
A question.  
She has to answer.  
Maybe she takes a bit too long because now Jadzia is feeling the temperature on her forehead and Kira has to hold on tight not to sigh again.  
“You are feverish!!”  
Now she is sure that there is more than just a concerning undertone in Jadzia’s voice, which makes her both somehow happy and afraid at the same time.  
The fear of Jadzia taking care of her snaps her out of her daze and she quickly rights herself, bringing some distance between her and the Trill.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want you to worry. I’m fine, it’s just the long sitting in that office.”  
From her look, Kira can tell that Jadzia isn’t quite convinced yet.  
“You know, I should just head on home and drink something in my bed, maybe eat a bit of those salty crackers Julian likes so much.”  
“I should accompany you there! You could injure yourself in this state and I want you to get to your quarters safely.”  
Jadzia means well, but at this moment, Kira doesn’t want it. Not right now.  
Not while her heart is beating like crazy and her whole body tenses up.  
In her fear, she falls back to the only thing she knows.  
“Really, Lieutenant. You don’t have to worry about me. I don’t want to keep you from having a great evening, just because you take pity in your colleague.  
I’m pretty sure Doctor Bashir over there, would be far more thrilled to have you accompany him than I could ever be.”  
She can see it in her face. It hurts.  
Before there is anything else but hurt, she leaves and stumbles on towards her room. Ashamed and sad.  
And alone.  
  



	2. And so I dealt you the blow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Kira's hurtful Goodbye, Jadzia is left to deal with the pain and unwelcomed thoughts.

_„than I could ever be.”_  
…  
There is a slow-burning pain there and Jadzia can feel it wandering through her insides, trying to reach every inch of her. When was the last time she felt this pain so vividly?  
It could almost be a laughable matter to her if it wasn’t so goddamn agonizing. So many lives and yet the sting of rejection hasn’t dulled over time.  
If possible, her time as Curzon – the easy-going heart breaker, has made this feeling of hurt more of a distant memory whereas Jadzia is now hit by it with full force.  
  
 _“than I could ever be.”_  
Is Kira really feeling that way? About their friendship? About their time spent together?  
Jadzia lets out a defeated sigh, this is all too much for her.   
But she can’t stop. Kira’s words keep repeating in her head and the searing just goes on.   
The logical part of her wants to analyze and examine this situation, view it from an objective stand-point.   
A tired and obviously sickly Kira lashing out at her …colleague and using the only way she knows how. Cruel words to keep the people at distance.  
But there is no objectiveness when it comes to feelings, is there? She is not a Vulcan, she is a Trill and with that may come wisdom but not the ability to drown out your feelings.  
  
 _“than I could ever be.”_  
How can she ignore the increasing low hum, that has been rhythmically pulsing in her stomach just above the symbiont for a while now. How can she wilfully ignore her heightened sense of smell, making her even more subjective to the sweet sense following Kira around wherever she goes.  
All the signs for a Trill slowly developing something bigger than just “friendship”.  
Normally she would be happy, ready to throw herself into this crush, with the full force of Curzon and Jadzia combined, but something tells her to be more careful, softer this time.  
Her usual bravado is missing, giving her uncertain thoughts a place to breathe and so all she can think about is the rejection.  
Kira doesn’t even value her as a friend.  
How could there ever be more?

“Hey, Jadzia!”  
With a sudden jerk of her head, she returns to Quark’s, realizing that she must have sat there for some time now, abandoned and in silence.  
Julian has noticed too and by the look on his face, he’s rather worried about her state.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to scare you like that, but uhm …are you alright? You seem unusually quiet.”  
His care warms her heart and with a sigh, she scoots to the side and lets him take a seat next to her.  
It is now that she finally, really takes a look at him and with a bit of shock, asks herself how out of it she actually was.  
He is wearing what can only be described as a look even too flashy for Lwaxana Troi.  
It is blindingly catastrophic.  
“Julian. I’m not sure _you_ should ask me that question. I’m not the one with a polka-dotted hat!!”  
For the moment her worries take a place on the back burner, as she watches Julian adjust the ugliest hat she has ever seen with a big smile.  
“Why are you so excited about this? Surely even … your acquired taste of fashion doesn’t support the atrocities you are wearing tonight?”  
  


They both know that Julian has good looks and a lanky physique that draws many people into his charms, but it seems that he almost wanted to destroy that effect, by wearing a suit combo, that not only hides his bodily features like a burlap sack, but miraculously does away with his towering figure, by adding a disgusting vertically striped pattern.  
  
“Well, to be honest, this isn’t really about _my_ fashion sense.”, he says with a mischievous undertone in his voice and Jadzia doesn’t have to think long about that statement when Garak walks into the bar.  
“Oh.”, she mouths and watches in growing amusement as the normally-composed Garak swipes the establishment for a second before he suddenly turns around in a desperate attempt to keep himself from throwing up.  
He wobbles out of sight and Jadzia turns towards her friend, who seems very pleased with himself.  
“Julian, is this some new Cardassian flirting technique I don’t know about?”  
“Not really. Well, not as far as I know anyway. I just had a feeling that the current way of handling this back and forth between me and Garak wasn’t really going anywhere.   
So I thought I might change up the pace a bit, by giving him something more substantial to argue with me about.”  
“And you think this topic” – she gestures wildly at his clothes- “will change anything?”  
A small blush spreads over his cheeks and sheepishly he whispers into her ear: “I just hope, that his desire to get me out of this hideous outfit, will be bigger than his restraint.”  
Jadzia can’t stop a laugh escaping her at the thought of Julian aggravating Garak long enough for the Cardassian to lose his cool.  
“How many of these outfits do you have?”  
“Oh it’s not the quantity, it’s the timing. I’m planning to ask Garak out to the Peaceparty this week.”  
Apparently, Jadzia’s face must have shown the sheer horror of that notion, because now he’s the one who can’t stop giggling.  
“Listen Jadzia, I waited too long for something, anything to happen and I absolutely had it. My plan B is to change my outfit mid-way and talk to Dukat about his biggest achievements as Gul. Yes, I am that desperate.”  
He punctuates the last words and empties his glass in one big swig.  
Ever since his infatuation with Garak evolved into something deeper, she noticed that his bodily adventures decreased until the rumors about his nightly activities stopped completely.  
He really cared about the tailor.

“At least you know, that he has any interest in you to some degree. You don’t have to throw yourself into the cold water without a clue.”  
Her voice is stained with her bitterness and wording her sorrow makes it hurt even more.  
Julian grows somber now, too and he remembers that she never answered his inquiry in the beginning.  
“Jadzia, are you sure you’re alright?”  
This easy question hits her more than anticipated and she fumbles with her words, trying not do let her secret out. Before she can make more of a fool of herself, she takes a deep breath, even though she knows that the damage is already done.  
“Listen Julian. I can’t … I mean. Yes, I am alright. Just not fine.  
I don’t really want to talk about it.”  
There is genuine affection and care on his face and Jadzia ponders if it could be fine to open up to somebody for once.

“I had a bit of an unpleasant situation with someone I care about and now I don’t know what to think about it.”  
To his credit, he doesn’t ask who she is talking about and instead just nods her to continue.  
“I know that the person probably just had a really bad day, but the words still stung. Normally it wouldn’t even bother me that much, but maybe I’m just making to much of a deal out of it.”  
He thinks for a second, choosing his next words carefully.   
“Maybe there’s a difference here because this person means more to you than you realize. Whenever Garak cancels our lunch plans, it affects me way more, than – say – a lunch break Miles misses out on.”  
“When did you notice that you had these feelings for Garak?”  
He blushes again and twiddles his thumbs at the memory.  
“His leg brushed against mine. And my heart nearly jumped out of my chest.  
I didn’t want to accept it then, so I kept it hidden from myself. Until the incident with the implant.  
Garak was trying his best to push me away and the mere thought of giving up the closeness we achieved, it hurt so much, I couldn’t breathe.”  
There lay a silence between them now, Julian understanding her fears and Jadzia coming to terms with the fact, that their situation wasn’t that different.  
“Even if I were to have these certain emotions. This other person has no signs of any similar affection towards me. They just showed me this tonight.”  
“But you said yourself, that K – the other person probably just had a bad day. Maybe they didn’t want your help because this is new for them too.  
Jadzia, if this was any other person, you would throw yourself at the challenge. Why would you stop yourself this time?”  
  


 _“than I could ever be.”_  
  
She can’t help herself.  
The fear of their fragile friendship collapsing under the unexpected weight is all-encompassing. This moment she yearns and the next she mourns what was lost.   
What is worse?  
  
Silence falls again.   
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Eli, who's encouragement really helped me with finishing this chapter.  
> The first draft was a catastrophe and the second one started very promising but ended up in technic limbo, due to my Netbook suddenly "passing" out. :))))))))) What a nice experience.  
> Anyway, thank you, everybody, for the patience! I'm working on the third chapter rn, but I'm going on a short holiday, so it might take a while.   
> Thank you all for reading. <3


	3. Wishing she had never left at all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Kira's surprise, a visitor comes to her quarters and makes sure, that she is getting the medicine she needs.

Kira doesn’t sleep at all that night.  
Whether it’s the fever or the knowledge of having acted like a complete asshole, she isn’t quite sure, maybe a healthy dose of both.  
Now it’s not only Julian she has to apologize to but also Jadzia. That brings her to think, sarcastically if she should just start listing people, she has hurt before and start a big sorrowful run around the station.  
With a deep sigh, she turns around in her bed and buries her head in her pillows. She could just visit Julian at the infirmary, ask him for a quick hypo to get the fever down.  
But that would be too easy for her, wouldn’t it?  
It’s not only her damn pride this time, but a bit of self-loathing that makes her stay here, alone, when there are people out there who would help her.  
Even though the small voice in her head is trying to get her to move, to put on her uniform and waltz back out there, the much bigger part of her is happy just wallowing in her distaste for herself.  
Nobody is going to care anyway. She is just grumpy, as ever. Nothing to it. Not one friend trying to check up on her, because every time somebody tries to be nice, she blocks it out with cold disdain.

So she almost jumps out of her bed when her doorbell rings.

This is completely unexpected and Kira has to admit that it kind of ruins her pity-party.  
“Come in!” She w _ants_ to say, but what comes out is just hoarse coughing. Maybe she should have taken her fever a bit more seriously.  
Nonetheless, the intruder seems to get the invitation and the door glides open to reveal nobody else but Jadzia, standing in the doorway.   
Kira isn’t sure if it’s her feverish brain or the backlight of the corridor, but Jadzia seems to bring a bit of sunshine into her apartment. (Is that a rainbow behind her?)  
This feeling, however, doesn’t dominate her mind for long and soon she is back to awkwardness and shame.

Fortunately, after having regained her confidence, Jadzia takes a step in and starts talking.  
“I’m sorry for bothering you again, Major, but I was worried, that … despite your previous statement, you might actually be needing some help.”  
Even in her hazy state, Kira notes the trembling in Jadzia’s voice and she can’t help her anger well up, anger at herself for ruining Jadzia’s mood like this. Being responsible for her quiet tone and lack of cheerfulness.

And to her own surprise, she stops herself right there.   
She stops herself from bursting and lashing out in frustration, because this is not what a friend would do, because a friend if she ever wants to be one to Jadzia, has to think about others as well and not just her own feelings.

“Uhm … kira..”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t, I didn’t catch that.”

“You don’t have to call me Major.” Nerys waits for a second and then, with even more courage she can muster, she repeats for the third time.  
“It’s Kira. I know, I called you Lieutenant before, but I actually preferred you calling me ‘Kira’.”

There seems to be a bit of surprise flickering across Jadzia’s face, quickly followed by relief and the small grin that tugs at her lips has Kira’s heart in a twist.  
“Well, I’m glad to hear that we are back on a name basis, even though it had its perks to be referred to by rank. It made me feel so very important.”  
Kira can only softly snort at that, her throat still being rather sore, but Jadzia hears it and with a twinkle in her eyes, finally crosses the threshold of Kira’s quarters.  
“I have good news for you as well.”  
“good news?” Kira manages to softly whisper.  
“Ah yes, the good news is that I have forgiven you. For earlier.”  
Despite her dizziness, Kira grows hot ever so slightly and averts her eyes for a second, but to her luck, it’s enough remorse for Jadzia to continue.  
“I just wanted to help, you know. And I know, you had a bad day, but I don’t think, that being so rude to me, is the best medicine for that.”  
“… I am sorry … I … behaved …”- she breathes heavily and Jadzia cuts her off before the exertion gets too much.  
“Yes, you behaved like a dick. But I’m glad to hear your apology.  
Now” – She claps her hands – “I’m not gonna let you miss out on the biggest event of the year, just because of some measly sickness. I think Gul Dukat would never forgive me.”  
This time Kira’s glare is generous and Jadzia seems to relish in the fact that her helpless colleague is unable to complain.

“Now, I know you don’t want to leave your quarters, so I borrowed one of Julian’s medical scanners and we can get to work right away.”  
With that said, she gets ready to scan her ‘friend’ – Kira hopes that this experience may have expanded on their status of simple colleagues – and the little apparatus in Jadzia’s hand quickly jumps to life.   
Even though Jadzia goes to work with her usual professionalism, Kira still can’t shake the feeling that all is not well, and so, after the Trill administers a dose of regenerated hypo, she perks up again.  
“Jadzia.” Soft, knowing blue eyes fall upon her and she has to stop herself from going weak again. “I’m really sorry. I really am. I would be lying if I said, I wouldn’t know what got into me, but that doesn’t excuse the way I snapped at you. And even though, I really didn’t need your help, I’m glad you came by anyway.”  
Jadzia squints a bit at the last part but doesn’t comment on it any further, because they both know, that it’s a blatant lie. But if Kira feels better that way, Dax will let it slide. This once.

“I can’t believe the thought of seeing Dukat at the party is giving you weak knees.”   
The mix of shock, horror, and disgust on Kira’s face easily makes up for Jadzia’s mistreatment earlier, it is beyond priceless.  
She can see Kira taking a deep breath to unleash pure Bajoran fury upon her, but in a spurt of courage, Jadzia lays a finger on Kira’s mouth and playfully says: “Now, now! You shouldn’t overuse your poor voice like th–“  
Before she can tease the Major even more, a soft pillow hits her smug face mid-sentence and she can see Kira reloading again. With an enthusiastic laugh, she throws herself behind the couch, grabbing a cushion for herself in the process and gets ready to decide this fight for herself.  
The moment she peaks over the couch, another pillow hits her square in the face again and she falls back both bewildered and elated.   
When was the last time she had a pillow fight? Curzon never had this pleasure and Jadzia makes sure to treasure this feeling all for herself, relishing at the moment and letting a hearty laugh bubble up from deep beneath her.

Kira can hear the laughter and decides that now is the time to have mercy with the poor loser of this unexpected fight. She slowly rounds the corner of the sofa and her heart stops for a second.  
Jadzia lays there, her hair a beautiful mess around her head, her cheeks red with a sporty blush and her nose wrinkling with the notion of her laugh. When she opens her eyes, they twinkle with mischief and happiness and all Kira can manage is a dumb grin, trying to mask how hard she has fallen for the other woman.  
“What, are you here to finish off the loser?”   
Now Kira blushes, hard.  
In one last attempt to save her dignity, she tries her best to think about something else, something disgusting, utterly vomit-inducing.  
 _Dukat. Yes, perfect.  
_ For a second her face contorts and she manages to snap out of her daze.  
“Please, a true warrior knows that you have to leave your enemy alive for the inevitable comeuppance.”  
Oh god, why did she have to word it that way?  
With a bit too much vigor Kira reaches down to grab Jadzia’s hand and before she knows what’s happening, her knees _do_ give out on her and she can feel her exhausted body toppling over, right towards the other woman.

“Wow, careful there!”

The next thing Kira notices is her being gently held in a sitting position by Jadzia, as the Trill tries to get a good grip on her.  
Their bodies are undeniably close to each other and Kira suddenly jerks back, in fear. The moment has escaped her control and she can feel herself getting anxious, which in turn makes her want to get angry again.   
It's a distant memory, a feeling she can't ignore and it stops her from letting go.  
But to both their luck, Jadzia feels the shift in tone and backs away a bit, leaving Kira the air she clearly needs.  
“Maybe we should get you back in bed, just to be safe.”  
And this time Kira doesn’t object.  
Jadzia holds her hands up, never touching, but there to catch Kira if she falls.  
Something changes. It shifts into place, just a bit and Kira regains a bit of safety and security, just enough to feel herself grow ever closer to Jadzia.

When she's finally laying in bed, hot soup at the table next to her, her pillows fluffed (“Really, I can do that myself, you know!”) and her body under the heating blanket, Kira looks back at Jadzia with thankfulness and a bit of stubborn rejection, just to make sure Jadzia doesn’t think she gets too soft.  
But both of them know by now that it’s only a farce.  
“Now that you have completely pampered me, are you finally willing to go back to your _own_ quarters, or do you still feel the need to camp on my couch?  
Some people have to sleep you know?”  
Jadzia snickers at that, playfully reaching for the spoon beside the soup, acting as if feeding the food to Kira.   
“Now open wide.”  
“No, stop it! You’re worse than Sisko around Jake!”  
That stills Jadzia in mocked hurt and she dramatically slides the spoon back into the soup. “No need to get so mean.”  
For a moment they grin at each other knowingly, before a thought crosses Jadzia’s mind.  
“While we’re at it, what are you gonna do about the Party?”  
“The _Piss-Party_ you mean?”  
“Very grown-up of you Major. But yes, that Party, the glorified self-adulation for Kai Winn and Gul Dukat. I still don’t know how to get around that silly thing.”  
Incredulous Kira raises an eyebrow and asks: “Since when are you one to skip out on social events? I thought you would love to jump on the opportunity.”  
“Normally yes, but how should ever enjoy the party when the personified reincarnations of Markoth and Narkal walk the station.”

“Markoth and Narkal? I never heard of those.”  
With a sly smile Jadzia wiggles her eyebrows. “Glad, you asked, I think you would like the association. Markoth and Narkal are two literary figures, who are synonymous with sickness and distaste. Maybe I should leave you some of the texts to entertain yourself.”  
Kira grins at the idea and nods in agreement. “Yeah sure, why not. That way, we at least have something to talk about during the torturous ordeal.”  
“So, we are both going?”  
The Major frowns angrily at the thought, but it seems that nothing will be able to stop Captain Sisko from dragging them out of their quarters if they remain absent, so maybe they should just give in and go.  
When she tells Jadzia this, the Trill slumps her shoulders in defeat.   
In a small effort to cheer her up again, Kira gently lays her hand on Jadzia’s arm next to her and proposes: “Let’s just spend the evening together, eh? Maybe you can help me, avoiding Dukat.  
Haha, hell! Maybe he thinks we’re together or something, haha.”  
She has to keep her face from showing her surprise when Jadzia’s head suddenly rightens: “That’s a brilliant idea! That way I don’t have to disappoint Morn either. He was so elevated to accompany me for the evening, but if we just show up together, that problem is solved as well.”  
Kira blinks, once, twice.  
“Huh?”  
“I mean, we have to put on a little bit of a show, maybe lay it on extra-thick, you know, but I think your plan might actually work!  
This is going to be so much fun!”  
“Uhm, yeah?”  
Excited Jadzia takes Kira’s left hand into her own and smiles brightly at her friend.  
“I’m gonna pick you up at 1800, okay!”

All Kira can do, is nodding.  
Did …did she just agree to fake-date Jadzia at the Peace-Party?  
Her head hits the pillow and her thoughts are spinning out of control, yet in the seconds before her tiredness forces her to fall asleep, a small smile creeps its way onto her lips.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're really getting close to the Peace-Party. I hope you enjoy the small interactions between the two of them, it's still very new to me, but Kira and Jadzia really are good material for writing cute scenes together.  
> Also thank you for the patience, as ever and also thank you all for commenting and leaving your thoughts. I appreciate it so much <3


	4. I felt you kept me away from the heat and the action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Party draws ever so close Kira realizes that there are still demons haunting her, keeping her from enjoying her happiness.

The soft hum of the station lulls her in as the dreams of the night keep her in bed.  
A steady feeling of urgency tugs at her mind, slowly growing louder and more persistent as time ticks away. Nevertheless, it takes another thirty minutes for her to realize that she is long past her waking time, and with a jolt Major Kira sits up, a growling pit forming in her stomach as she remembers the urgent meeting with the Kai and her pose.  
She allows herself one sharp second of anger and annoyance before she straightens her back and shuffles out of bed. With a lot of luck and strategic panic, she can definitely make it on time to the meet-up.

One Raktajino and a quick sonic shower later, she hurries down the corridors, skilfully avoiding any incoming questions (“Major, can you” – “NO TIME DOCTOR!”) and crowds (“OUT OF MY WAY!”).  
When she finally arrives at the seminar room, she is so out of breath that it takes her some time to register, that nobody else is there.  
Kira looks around, mildly perplexed slowly bordering on becoming pissed, and waits until her breathing speed calms down to its normal amount. With a final glance to make sure she really is alone, she bops her comm badge (with a tad too much force) and barks into the air:   
“Kira to Ops. Is there something I’ve missed or why is neither the Kai nor the Commander at the scheduled meeting?”

Her heart practically jumps out of her chest when the comm badge chirps to life and a familiar voice greets her: “Ah, good morning _Major,_ I hope you slept well?”  
The smile in Jadzia’s voice is palpable and Kira can’t help but smile as well, even though she jokingly rolls her eyes.  
“Well, admittedly better than expected. It seems your, albeit questionable, nursing skills yesterday worked out after all.   
And of course, I would never want to miss the opportunity to see the great Kai in person.”  
The last statement is dripping with sarcasm, but Jadzia picks up on it and her soft laughter spurs Kira’s heart into pumping faster.  
“Wouldn’t want you to miss that. But I can assure you, the meeting will still take place. We just received news that apparently the infallible Kai had a small incident in her quarters and is now residing in Doctor Bashir’s care. With the peace-party-preparations (hehe) in full swing, it seems that the Commander has lost track of who to call, concerning the Kai’s late arrival.”  
“It’s nothing too serious, I hope.”  
“No, I think she will be up and ‘running’ soon enough, it was just a minor injury.”  
There is a short silence as Kira contemplates what to do during her wait. To her luck the lieutenant seems to pick up on that, immediately coming up with an idea of her own.  
“Listen, I still need to hand the attendees some PADD’s with info and since I’m currently free, we can just go to the Café and chat while we wait. How does that sound?”

It doesn’t take long for Jadzia to arrive and judging by the slight redness in her cheeks, she made sure to speed down Ops extra fast. Her smile is genuine and open as she glances around, looking for the other woman.   
Kira relishes in this image for a second, the knowledge that it was her, that made Jadzia practically fly towards the promenade. Once again, her heart jumps, angry and demanding, but Kira forces the thoughts away and stands up for the Trill to finally find her amidst the buzzing crowd.  
They both smile and before Kira can catch herself she even waves at the Lieutenant. She gets rewarded with Jadzia firing some quick finger guns at her and suddenly she doesn’t feel like that much of a fool anymore.

The moment they both sit down, tea, and Raktajino in their hands, warming their fingers, the world oozes out of its fringes and leaves back only the two of them in their condensed bubble.  
Or at least that’s how Kira remembers it in her mind.  
Time passes and stops and passes and stops and she can’t tell how or when, but when she looks at Jadzia, at her smile and her dimples, at each individual spot and the sparkle in her eyes- Well yes, that’s when time has no meaning.  
They talk on end, dancing from topic to topic, laughing and giggling (mostly Jadzia] and holding back the silly smiles and snorts (mostly Kira), while their mugs empty out.   
There is nothing Kira can describe this with. It is so unique and so special to this moment.  
Reminiscing she will say “This is the feeling of being purely enamored to the core of your Pagh.”

It is only when the Commander suddenly sits down next to them, that the world breaks through their shield with a loud bang, flooding into both of their consciousness and leaving them utterly surprised and, as far as Kira can say, hurt.  
Yet even Jadzia seems to scramble, trying to get her thoughts together and blinking at Sisko dumbfoundedly.   
“Uh, hi. Benjamin.”  
The greeting comes a little delayed and with a joking smile he asks:  
“I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”  
And suddenly there is a bit of rage in Kira. A great bit to be precise.  
She feels like a fool, once again, being smitten with a person, open with her, absolutely vulnerable when it’s so clear, that this is just tomfoolery.  
So much so, that the thought of them being totally engrossed in their conversation, can never be anything more than joke-worthy to the Commander.  
A simple date between ladies, between friends. Because surely there could never be anything more.  
And even though he doesn’t say it, Kira feels made fun of.  
So she reverts back to her aggressive self.  
“No Commander, you weren’t interrupting anything.”   
With a loud screeching noise, she forces her chair back, stands up very abruptly, and discards her empty mug in the replimat.  
“Lieutenant Dax kept me company while I was waiting here for you and the Kai to arrive” – she checks the Station watch with a disapproving scowl – “two hours late. I’m glad she told me what had happened since nobody else felt up to it.”  
She pierces Sisko with her scolding look, a twinge of happiness as she notices him fumbling for words.

“That’s not fair, _Major,_ I told you, a lot was happening this morning. It was a simple mistake.”  
There shouldn’t be any surprise in the fact that Jadzia once again takes her side by Sisko, her best friend.   
And a small part in Kira knows that her anger is so ridiculous, that she practically forces Jadzia to defend Sisko here. The situation as it is is totally overblown.  
Normally she would have commented, annoyed the Commander a moment or two just to make a point, and then dropped it.   
But what even is normal to her right now?  
These feelings are simply too much for her, they are always at extremes, and the vulnerability of feeling them, showing them so obviously, it drives her crazy.  
So crazy even, that she would needlessly explode like that.  
After the sweet dream of Jadzia ends, she is left with regret over talking so much, over baring her heart to someone so different from her.  
And she is painfully aware of this.  
But that doesn’t change the fact that her only outlet is anger.

However before she can launch another attack, the Commander stands up as well, lays a hand on Jadzia’s shoulder ( _Not again!_ ), and says: “No, Dax. The Major is right. I should have made sure everyone was aware of the change in plans.”  
With an apologetic smile, he turns towards Kira and it’s then that she notices his tired eyes and the bags under them. Her forced anger evaporates.  
Nothing from his clothing to his beard would indicate the stress he seems to be under, but his eyes… His eyes are half-lidded, barely kept open and even his grin seems strained.  
Mentally Kira adds Sisko to her “I’m really sorry for acting like a dick”-list because there is no way she can get out of this one unscathed.  
Inwardly, Kira inhales slowly, keeping herself from looking at Jadzia and instead focuses completely on the Commander.

“Well, you’re here now. So we should better get going, so we can wrap the meeting up quickly.” _So you can rest afterward_ is left unsaid.  
She quickly nods at the Lieutenant, barely registering the reaction, turns around and marches down the steps toward the hallway that leads to the meet-up.  
The walk there is spent in silence, the meeting wrapped up faster than expected.  
Even the Kai seems out of it today, so apart from going over the details of the festivities again, there is really not much to conclude.  
The rest of the day is rather uneventful, as Kira tries her best to outrun and outmaneuver Jadzia at any possible chance.  
Without anybody to cheer her up though, the hours don’t pass so quickly and when she finally makes it to the end of her shift, she is absolutely done with everything.

Of course, it is here, that her luck runs out and she finally sees Jadzia across the promenade.   
Their eyes meet for a second before both of them look away again.  
Kira feels utterly defeated. She trots on. Remembers the look on Jadzia’s face just now and feels dread at the thought of once again not being able to mend the damage.  
She walks extra slowly now, hoping to hear the familiar voice calling out. Wanting to talk.  
But deep in her heart, she knows that it will not come this time.  
“The person who said friendship is work really wasn’t lying.”, she mumbles before she finally swallows her shame and turns around.  
To see.  
Jadzia walking away really, really slowly. Every step more stretched out and deliberate than before.

“Wow.”

It really would have been funny if the circumstances weren’t so dire.  
“Hey, Jadzia! Wait!”  
She is glad that nobody seems to be around this late because otherwise she certainly would have felt like an idiot running after their crush. Well, more of an idiot.  
Kira jogs the last meters towards Dax and comes to a halt next to the Trill, who is now facing toward her with a critical expression.  
Some time passes while Kira wrestles with herself, seemingly unable to say anything before she finally blurts out: “ListenI’mreallysorryforbeforeitwasn’tveryniceofmebutalsomaybeIwasalittleangrybutthatdoesn’tmatterIshouldn’thavebeensoangryandwellIhopeyouarenotmadatmeanymore.”

It is one big chunk of words and as expected, Jadzia isn’t impressed by the jumbled apology.  
“I’m sorry, but I think you have to repeat that. Something must have gotten lost in the universal translator.”  
There is no mischievous sparkle in her eyes this time. So Kira tries again.  
“I am… - sigh – Listen, I wasn’t really fair to the Commander today.”  
“And?”  
“And I shouldn’t have barked at him like that.”  
“Aaaaaand???”  
“Hhhhhhhhand I’m sorry for behaving like that, I guess.”  
“You guess?”  
“…”

There is a lump in her throat, a ball full of things to say, wishes, and confession and Kira is trying her best not to let it out.   
She concentrates on the words, tries to work around this, but as she tries to avoid Jadzia’s glance, she notices her own silhouette in the glass behind them.  
Hunched over, half turned away, ready to abandon this mission. A coward.

“No, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for behaving like this and letting my frustration get the better of me. This is not how a Major should react.”

It takes some time, but it seems that Jadzia finally decides in Kira’s favor.  
“You know, I’m not the only one you should be apologizing here.”  
At this Kira can only scoff: “Yeah, I know. I have a list.”  
She hesitates and then adds: “I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. I think he needs all the rest he can get.”  
Jadzia looks pleased but there is still something on her mind: “There is one thing you have to explain to me.”  
Mentally Kira prepares for the ground to open up as Jadzia continues.  
“ _Why_ did you get so angry before? It was all of a sudden and after we had such a relaxed time. I thought you and Ben had finally found equal footing?”  
The question lingers between them and Kira is aware that she has exactly two options.  
Open up or push Jadzia away, again, and maybe this time for good.  
And now. Standing there on the barely lit promenade, only centimeters away from Jadzia.  
She decides that she has to think about that for another night.  
“I can’t say that it was nothing. That would be a lie. And not even a good one. But I wouldn’t even know where to start.”  
There is a soft sigh as Jadzia realizes the magnitude of her question.  
“Was it something he said? Or that he sat down?”  
“Please stop.”  
“Or that he dared make a joke?”  
“ **Stop**.”

Kira isn’t loud but still, it makes Jadzia halt.  
“I don’t kn- I don’t know how to say it or even _if_ I want to say it. This” – Kira wildly gestures – “should have just been a dumb apology! Nothing new. So why do you want to make such a big deal out of it?”  
  
“Because you always do this! You get angry, you snap at someone or do something stupid, you later have to apologize for. Rinse and repeat. I thought last evening was something like a betterment for you, but then you turn around and do the same thing again!”   
  
It’s honest frustration in Jadzia’s voice and it hurts. It hurts so much.  
  
“If you have such a problem with my anger and frustration and my constant lashing out then why do you even keep up with me? Why don’t you just spent all your time with your normal friends, like Sisko or Bashir?! Why are doing this then, if I’m such a burden to you?”   
The last few words stab at her heart and she spits them out, full of sadness and self-hate. She isn’t really saying them to Jadzia anymore, this is for herself.  
So when Jadzia almost screams out her next words, Kira feels like she was just slapped.

“Because I **care**!”

“Wh-“  
  
“I c **are** about you! You are my friend, even if you would never admit it. And seeing someone constantly putting stones in their own path only to avoid talking to people or facing their problems is just so goddamn FRUSTRATING! I want you to be better!”

Jadzia’s words tear into her, relentlessly, an attack that goes directly for Kira’s heart and she feels it. There is pain and confusion because this is a lot on her, simply too much, and her brain can’t handle all her barriers w _anting_ to break down for this woman, but her body is fighting it, clawing at her sanity.  
She is between her two selves and being torn apart.  
Kira can’t push forward, there is no aggression left that could make her force Jadzia away and she can’t bear another mean, spiteful word escaping her own lips.  
She ends up just standing there, mouth agape, trying to say a _nything._

“I don’t- But. But why?”

The air around them comes slowly to a stop as the anger and the hurt swirls and dissipates until Kira is left alone with the raw meaning behind Jadzia’s words.   
And her mind can’t wrap around the fact that the Trill deems her worthy enough of her care. It has to be a lie. A lie told to rattle her.

All this time spent making herself believe she never needed any help, any care, that she never paused to question if she didn’t actually _want_ it.  
When strength is your shield and your weight in a crashing world, the wish for care can drag you down to an abyss filled with missed chances, wishes, and hopes that are so deep and far away from any reality that they can only bring more hurt.

But what if?  
What if it isn’t a lie?  
Or false hope?

“The war is over.” Jadzia’s voice seeps into the gaps and slowly fills them with questions that grow bigger in Kira’s heart with every parting second.  
“There is no need anymore. To be angry all the time. To shield yourself from hurt and loss.”  
No, this can’t be. What will be left of her then? If not her trauma?  
“You can finally let happiness happen.”  
But what of her guilt? Of her responsibility to Bajor and the dead living on it?

And even though she wants to scream and cry and run away, the hug Jadzia engulfs her in, feels like the best place to be right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for waiting so patiently!  
> I sincerely hope the characters didn't turn out to OOC but down the line, I realized how much Kira as a character meant to me and it just flowed.  
> It took me so long to write this chapter and I kept rewriting it as well but now I'm glad it's out.  
> I'm going to start working on Chapter 5 today and I hope this time the wait won't be that long.  
> Thank you again for the patience and the support <3

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is a rather short chapter, but once I got to the part at the end it just felt too good of a stop.  
> At first, I wanted to really keep this short and simple, but now I want to delve deeper into Kira's stubborn character and her slowly coming to realize that she can't run away from this. Of course, this also means that the actual prompt wish is gonna happen later on, but I promise It'll happen.  
> Also, I'm sorry for those who are maybe waiting for "In another Time". I will work on that story down the line, I just want to do some rewrites before I'm in too deep.


End file.
